夜裡起來倒水喝，走進客廳看見忘記關掉的聖誕燈，在角落裡孤零零地閃爍。一時被那不曾預料的美麗震撼，竟是光著腳站在那裡發起呆來。
還記得一個人過的第一個冬天，在金澤那小小的七畳室里。之前的房客留下了一棵小小聖誕樹和許多滿天星的燈。我圍著屋子挂了一圈又一圈，都還沒有用完。那一個個漫長的冬夜，我也曾常常這樣呆呆的看著它們閃爍。心血來潮找到那時候寫的字，是這樣描述的：”居然找到一串聖誕燈. 掛起來, 沒有星星的夜晚我可以數它們. 這是我的火柴盒唯一的飾品.”
我最需要感謝的恩賜，就是可以被看到美麗的聖誕燈這樣細微的小幸福填得滿滿。在最最沮喪低迷的日子裡，我都會覺得，雨總會停，藍天還是會出現，人生畢竟是美好的。
Every once in a while I like to take the Myers Briggs test for fun. In the past few years I’ve been a solid INTJ. But now:
ESTJExtravert(1%) Sensing(12%) Thinking(1%) Judging(11%)You have marginal or no preference of Extraversion over Introversion (1%)
You have slight preference of Sensing over Intuition (12%)
You have marginal or no preference of Thinking over Feeling (1%)
You have slight preference of Judging over Perceiving (11%)
Wow really?
As an ESTJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.
ESTJs live in a world of facts and concrete needs. They live in the present, with their eye constantly scanning their personal environment to make sure that everything is running smoothly and systematically. They honor traditions and laws, and have a clear set of standards and beliefs. They expect the same of others, and have no patience or understanding of individuals who do not value these systems. They value competence and efficiency, and like to see quick results for their efforts.
ESTJs are take-charge people. They have such a clear vision of the way that things should be, that they naturally step into leadership roles. They are self-confident and aggressive. They are extremely talented at devising systems and plans for action, and at being able to see what steps need to be taken to complete a specific task. They can sometimes be very demanding and critical, because they have such strongly held beliefs, and are likely to express themselves without reserve if they feel someone isn’t meeting their standards. But at least their expressions can be taken at face-value, because the ESTJ is extremely straight-forward and honest.
The ESTJ is usually a model citizen, and pillar of the community. He or she takes their commitments seriously, and follows their own standards of “good citizenship” to the letter. ESTJ enjoys interacting with people, and likes to have fun. ESTJs can be very boisterous and fun at social events, especially activities which are focused on the family, community, or work.
The ESTJ needs to watch out for the tendency to be too rigid, and to become overly detail-oriented. Since they put a lot of weight in their own beliefs, it’s important that they remember to value other people’s input and opinions. If they neglect their Feeling side, they may have a problem with fulfilling other’s needs for intimacy, and may unknowingly hurt people’s feelings by applying logic and reason to situations which demand more emotional sensitivity.
When bogged down by stress, an ESTJ often feels isolated from others. They feel as if they are misunderstood and undervalued, and that their efforts are taken for granted. Although normally the ESTJ is very verbal and doesn’t have any problem expressing themself, when under stress they have a hard time putting their feelings into words and communicating them to others.
ESTJs value security and social order above all else, and feel obligated to do all that they can to enhance and promote these goals. They will mow the lawn, vote, join the PTA, attend home owners association meetings, and generally do anything that they can to promote personal and social security.
The ESTJ puts forth a lot of effort in almost everything that they do. They will do everything that they think should be done in their job, marriage, and community with a good amount of energy. He or she is conscientious, practical, realistic, and dependable. While the ESTJ will dutifully do everything that is important to work towards a particular cause or goal, they might not naturally see or value the importance of goals which are outside of their practical scope. However, if the ESTJ is able to see the relevance of such goals to practical concerns, you can bet that they’ll put every effort into understanding them and incorporating them into their quest for clarity and security.
Whether you’re a young adult trying to find your place in the world, or a not-so-young adult trying to find out if you’re moving along the right path, it’s important to understand yourself and the personality traits which will impact your likeliness to succeed or fail at various careers. It’s equally important to understand what is really important to you. When armed with an understanding of your strengths and weaknesses, and an awareness of what you truly value, you are in an excellent position to pick a career which you will find rewarding.
ESTJs generally have the following traits:
ESTJs have a lot of flexibility in the types of careers that they choose. They are good at a lot of different things, because they put forth a tremendous amount of effort towards doing things the right way. They will be happiest in leadership positions, however, because they have a natural drive to be in charge. They are best suited for jobs which require creating order and structure.
The following list of professions is built on our impressions of careers which would be especially suitable for an ESTJ. It is meant to be a starting place, rather than an exhaustive list. There are no guarantees that any or all of the careers listed here would be appropriate for you, or that your best career match is among those listed.
| Possible Career Paths for the ESTJ: |
| Military leaders |
| Business Administrators and Managers |
| Police / Detective work |
| Judges |
| Financial Officers |
| Teachers |
| Sales Representatives |
ESTJs are very enthusiastic people who are driven to fulfill their obligations and duties, especially those towards their families. Their priorities generally put God first, family second, and friends third. They put forth a tremendous amount of effort to meet their obligations and duties, according to their priorities. They are dedicated and committed to their relationships, which they consider to be lifelong and unalterable. They like to be in charge, and may be very controlling of their mates and children. They have high esteem for traditions and institutions, and expect that their mates and children will support these as well. They have little patience and need for dealing with people who see things very differently from the ESTJ.
“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May
When an ESTJ says “I do”, you can bet that they will put forth a tremendous amount of effort and energy into fulfilling their commitment to the relationship. They seek stability and security in their lives, and once they have made a commitment, it is lifelong and unalterable. They bring with them into the relationship a strong and dependable nature, which is oriented in traditions and security. They are highly energetic people, who never seem to lose their energy when performing duties and fulfilling obligations.
ESTJs usually feel very strongly that they are right and that if everyone else would listen carefully to what the ESTJ has to say, then they would understand the way things really are, and the world would be a better place. Such a strong, confident self-image is an asset in many ways, but can also be a detriment in close interpersonal relationships, if the ESTJ’s mate does not feel valued for their contributions as an individual. This is a potential pitfall for ESTJs, who should try to be aware of the fact that other people have things to offer, even if they do not exactly follow the ESTJ’s way of thinking. If it’s not possible to do this on a larger scale, the ESTJ should perhaps focus on this area with respect to their partner’s contributions.
Sexually, the ESTJ is likely to be robust, enthusiastic, and athletic. They will tend to be traditional, and to expect sexual encounters on a relatively scheduled basis. They’re likely to approach intimacy as a physical experience of closeness, rather than as an opportunity to express and receive expressions of love and affection. The ESTJ will probably have to work on remembering to express their feelings verbally, but their mate’s appreciation will make it well worth it for those who do.
In many ways, ESTJs are Guardians and Protectors by nature. They enjoy shielding and protecting their families, and are usually quite good at it. Their partners will appreciate and enjoy the benefits of the ESTJ’s efforts in this respect, but they may also resent the more controlling aspects of the ESTJ’s personality, which goes along with their strong desire to shield their loved-ones. The ESTJ may consider it their duty to instruct their spouses how to behave or what attitude to take in certain situations, which may not be appreciated.
Conversely, the ESTJ freely gives approval and affirmation when they are happy or impressed with their mate’s behavior. Whether positive or negative, the ESTJ’s expression can be taken at face value, because these individuals are very honest and forthright about how the feel.
ESTJs enjoy spending time with others socializing, and are likely to strongly desire that their partners also take part in these social activities. They are especially interested in any event which is associated with the family, work, or any organization which the ESTJ is part of. Since they are social creatures, they’re likely to bring an emphasis on socializing to the relationship – but only after all of their work is done.
ESTJs are not naturally in tune with what others are feeling, and they may even tend to be very unobservant in these respects. This can cause problems with mates who have a Feeling preference, who may feel hurt or neglected by the ESTJ. If these feelings are pointed out to the ESTJ as an important dynamic of the relationship, rather than harbored internally by the Feeler, the ESTJ is likely to attempt to be more aware of their mate’s feelings and emotions.
The ESTJ gladly performs their duties in life, and wants to be appreciated for doing so. This is the greatest gift that their mates can give them – gratitude.
Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, ESTJ’s natural partner is the ISTP, or the INTP. ESTJ’s dominant function of Extraverted Thinking is best matched with someone whose dominant function is Introverted Thinking. The ESTJ/ISTP combination is deal because it also shared the Sensing way of perceiving the world, but the ESTJ/INTP combination is also quite good.
上班以来我最期待的是午餐时间。我们一组十来人，中午至少能找五六个一起吃饭。由于大家都属于年龄层次比较高又思想比较成熟的成年人，虽然一开始也总是从八卦开始聊，结束时往往是仍还在意犹未尽的争论着某些人生问题。昨天的话题是男女平等与家庭和睦，今天的是死亡的方式，而前不久我还与大老板兴致高昂的讨论过我们彼此对税收的观念。我比较倾向与liberal, 而他是不折不扣的保守党。虽然讨论的气氛融洽老板也够开明，但后来我还是反省自己做人是否不够圆滑，这种事情附和老板实在没什么大不了。
我喜欢的一个博客女主住在长沙。她常常说一些这个城市的事情，让我觉得十分亲切。虽然我对长沙已经过于陌生，即使对外仍称自己是长沙人，那里只是家乡，却不再是家。她最近写了一篇文章叫做望月的人。长沙有个区叫做望月湖。记忆里那里似乎是没有湖的，但这样一个名字多么有气质呀。我一向觉得长沙的各种地名都很有味道，岳麓山，银盆岭，橘子洲头，潇湘大道。但其实它们或许也不比其他地方的名字有味道，只是因为在记忆里沉淀了许多年才拿出来温习，就多了分怀旧的韵味。
离题了。我本来想说的只是这篇文章。她在里面说一种人，是骨子里有情怀的人。这种形容实在是笼统而模糊，也很难定义，我却偏偏就被这一句话震撼了。这年头人总爱批评别人市侩。那的确，我们大多数人庸碌一生，为五斗米折腰的折腰卖笑的卖笑。但总有一些什么是值得坚持的吧，不管你所坚持的目标实际如婚姻与事业，还是心灵上的信仰和安乐。每一种坚持，不管别人认同与否，都是一个故事。说给平常人听一两句就能带过，若是真要落笔，也能写出洋洋洒洒许多个长篇。
前一阵子我去了致康园做义工。那里的孩子都有不同程度的脑瘫，虽然智力方面大多数没有妨碍，动作却不能自主。脑瘫的原因很多，有可能是先天，也有可能是产后一个月内其他原因引起，所以这些孩子从一出生就无法自理。孩子们大多数都不能自己站立，就连坐也是要用绳子把腿绑在椅子上才能坐得稳当。我们当天的工作是帮他们开运动会，每一个义工都负责一个孩子，在他们玩不同游戏的时候托着他们。由于他们不大能自控身体的动作，许多时候场面都是一片混乱，但孩子们都玩得很开心，也没有人计较输赢。玩保龄球的时候，许多孩子没有办法好好握住球，更不用说按正确的方向丢出去。其他的孩子虽然也都急着想要玩，却没有人埋怨，大家都帮玩的人加油，为再小的成功欢呼。运动会结束后我们陪他们到餐厅喂他们吃饭，之后他们就要回二楼的房间了。有的孩子是被抱上去的，有的自己走。一个孩子被阿姨带到楼梯脚下，帮他把双手放在扶手上，让他自己爬楼梯。我们就站在走廊里，看到他每跨一步都需要强大的努力，而他却还时不时回过头来给我们一个笑脸。这些孩子或许一辈子坚持的，就是我们觉得天经地义的自理能力。可是他们每一个人都那样努力，甚至还不忘保持微笑。
我当时突然觉得惭愧。我这一生拥有的太多，付出的太少，我却还不知足，常常埋怨，偶尔幻想不劳而获的得到更完美的生活。
羡慕也好，怜悯也好，我们都不能去过别人的生活。我们所有的只有自己的坚持，自己的故事。虽然生活中有形形色色的过客出现，但陪你再久的也只是过客。不必在意自己的平凡，也不要放弃自己的坚持。而骨子里的情怀，对我来说，我想或许那就是soul.
七月一号上班，六月二十五号才拿到需要的各种文件，匆忙的定了二十六号到香港的机票去办工作签证，二十七号又风风火火的赶回深圳赴与VV商量了好多年的的聚会。本来是准备促膝长谈直至天色发白，可是一大早起来，嗓子却哑到不成样子。晚上大家热闹聊着生活与往事，我只能哼哼唧唧的偶尔插个嘴，然后郁闷的埋头肢解一只又一只小龙虾。
聊起当初是如何相遇，那已经是快上个世纪的事了。想当年写博客的人不多，论坛也没有几个，圈子其实小得很。也不记得是谁先发现了谁，偶尔的留个言，踩个脚印，加个MSN，居然就神交了这许多年。以至看到VV打开门，虽然是第一次见面，也就像到了老朋友家里，很是不客气的当自己家了。
因为不能说太多话，晚上吃完饭回到家里，就各自捧着电脑做自己的事情。我各种念旧，在电脑上翻出了N年前从坛子上存下来的一个帖子：那些伤心欲绝的爱的记忆。看文件的日期，是2007年的6月存下的，在坛子上找了找，却是找不到了。那些故事，有的是我们自己的，有的是别人的，每一篇都能拍一出催人泪下的文艺片。这么多年了，我们都老了，生老病死都经历了一些，为风花雪月流眼泪似乎都已经是值得怀念的青春往事。
而VV对我说，只有你，还是把爱情看得比天大。我想了想，对她说，不是啊，我并没有把爱情看得那么重要，只是把事业看得很轻。这其实已经是一种奢侈。我实在觉得我是个无比幸运的人，身体上最大的毛病不过是肩膀习惯性脱臼，父母家人纵容我过自己想要的生活，学业事业虽非一帆风顺却也无大起大落。爱情或许是唯一的挫折，却也因此走了不一样的路，成为自己还算喜欢的一个人。我其实觉得上帝并不是公平的，我的人生已经是幸福得让我有些害怕。
在深圳机场待机的时候写下这些话，想念着那些许多年来默默潜水着关注的陌生却熟悉的我们的我们。即使想说的话越来越少，毕竟我们曾经彼此陪伴着走过那些伤心欲绝的日子。
倒时差睡不着，上论坛看到别人推荐一本书叫做《最好的女子》。名字都是听过几十年的，都只记得那张漂亮的脸或是那首断肠的歌，谁知道背后有这样让人唏嘘的故事。
有些人我是知名不识面，好奇找来照片看了，哪一个年轻的时候不是个如花似玉的美人儿。故事，自然是被人添加了许多笔墨，又是过了这么多年，不少都是时间沉淀出的悲凉或感慨。应果有的是际遇，有的是性格。结局有的是解脱，有的是蹉跎。而说到底这就是人生，看到最后心里头一堆话，出来成了浅浅一声叹息。
自己这一生，最好的三分之一也就这样过了。故事说少不少，到最后记得的也不过那几段怅惘。而如今放不下的，等到十年后，又不知道是怎么样的回忆。其实还是怕的。不是怕自己不幸福，是怕他没有了我太幸福。但这世界从来就没有公平过，做坏事的人通常快乐的很。而做一个好人，跟幸福也没有什么确切的关系。
人的进化过程中，不知道什么时候出现了能够思考”如果”这个问题的功能。如果没有这样的功能，我们便不会去想失去了什么，因为我们不会理解那件事物存在的可能性。没有如果的世界，有会是什么样子的呢？
在浦东机场待机的时候顺手买了两本书。一本是张小娴的散文集，另一本是柴静的看见。这本看见，网上听说过，朋友提起过，我一直没有太大的兴趣。看过以后却特别喜欢。不为别的，就觉得它真。有些人看了说，哎呀，把自己写得如何如何，真做作。我看着却觉得，那些年代久远的小细节，是真难编出来。而她偶尔自嘲偶尔自贬，一字一句也都真诚。她写的是自己这些年的成长，而她因为这成长而自豪，没有什么不好的。难道要她一整本书都把自己踩到脚下才是对的吗？
这世界上有些人对所有的事情都抱着怀疑态度冷嘲热讽，但却从不说自己做过什么。这个世界的确是很不完美，我们每一个人也都有各自的不完美。但一个努力学习，成长，并坦诚的展示自己的人是值得去了解的。我希望做一个这样的人，也相信这世界上有许多人在跟我一起努力中。
以上。
