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Friday, September 14, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
To Heart
Commitment is what transforms a promise into reality. It is the words that speak boldly of your intentions. And the actions which speak louder than the words. It is making the time when there is none. Coming through time after time after time, year after year after year. Commitment is the stuff character is made of; the power to change the face of things. It is the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism. -- Abraham Lincoln
Monday, August 6, 2012
City Impact
It's been 3 or 4 years since I actually went to church service, and I had no plans of doing so in the near future. When I signed up for City Impact with my roommate's church, it was definitely for the volunteer aspect, and I didn't know I would also witness somewhat of a religious revival experience.
I used the word witness, as I considered myself an observer rather than a participant in all of this. I was touched by the sermons, the testimonies, I cried, sang and even prayed. All my feelings were genuine and actions sincere. I was slightly confused, until when we walked out of the door, and overheard my roommate chatting with a friend, and saying "I just hope this isn't some high that you just get over when you leave the room."
Then I got over the high.
Getting high, even on God, is exhausting. Now that I've had a good night's sleep, I can finally recount the experience so I can have something to remember it by. The morning started out with a long wait at the registration line then walking into a dark room with moody blue lights, fist pumping music, and a feed of all the exciting people posting about Fracis Chan and City Impact. As the countdown clock started and the chatter slowly subsided, a guy jumped on stage and started talking about the history of City Impact, and how wonderful and novel it was to have a pastor cancel service for an entire Sunday to participate. His speech was stand-up comedian like and brought laughs from the crowd, but also provoked thinking. As Christians spend Wednesday nights studying the Bible and making friends among themselves, Sunday mornings at church listening to sermons, who is actually out there in the battlegrounds of this messed up world of ours saving all the lost souls angry at God and humanity?
I pondered this question through the worship session, where a great band led the crowd in some beautiful singing. That's definitely one thing I actually miss from my church days, but I kept my mouth shut as I found it rather hypocritical for me to sing to a God I'm still doubting. Then Francis Chan came up and gave a sermon. I have to say, he was a great speaker, but sadly I don't really remember the content of his sermon :( Although I blame this on my own distracted mind, rather than the speech itself. I was very confused in this environment of fervent religious people, and felt quite out of place. So when we were asked to pray about the day, I was happy that my roommate took charge and prayed for us (with my input).
I felt much relieved as I left the building, and spent most of the day photographing kids at the carnival. The timid ones, the bold ones, the one tugging at her sister's skirt, and the one sitting up on dad's shoulder. They are growing up in a neighborhood where people drive by with their doors firmly locked and walk hurriedly through the streets averting eye contact. Their eyes are still full of warmth and excitement, trying their hardest just for the thrill of competition itself. The sports camp leader, Tony Stewart, was wonderful with kids. The drills weren't just drills, they each had a lesson, and I was glad (and somewhat surprised) to hear the kids recount the lessons they learned. Sadly, because I was in a frenzy running around taking pictures, the only thing that stuck for me was to live a purpose driven life. I don't know how much the kids will remember of the lessons after yesterday, but I do hope that they also remember this one lesson, and find a purpose in life that's more than just survival.
As I remember my own adolescence, growing up in a poor but motivated family, I'm again reminded of how much I had been given, and how grateful I should be. I never lacked encouragement from others to be something greater and do something worthwhile, even when I doubted myself. When I see the bright smiles on their faces, I'm not sure if these kids know the cards they've been dealt aren't the best in the deck, and how many will triumph through life's unfair competitions and cruel jokes. Some of them may one day end up on the streets of the Tenderloin, their eyes cold and defensive, showing disdain to the people walking by. I wonder how many of us, years from now, would walk by one of these kids and avert our eyes, because we had long forgotten we had held their hands and laughed with them, and now judged them only by the street corner they stood on.
After the carnival ended, I found the rest of the crew at the corner park, where people were given medical care, free clothing, haircuts, manicures and pedicures. I have the utmost admiration for those who chose to kneel and wash people's feet. I'm not a germaphobe, but I can't even see myself touching my own friends' feet, much less strangers' feet that have walked on grounds much dirtier than my apartment floor. I saw those who were in deep conversation, sharing stories with people they normally would not have had the courage to go up and talk to. I saw people who were "regulars", who knew what to expect and came only to get what they needed. I saw immigrants who did not know how to say "thank you" but said so with their eyes. For the most part I watched, and observed, because I did not have the courage to go up and say hi, for fear of rejection. I'm afraid that they would see through the facade of caring when in fact I was still afraid and did not love them the way Jesus loved them.
The night concluded with the sharing of stories. The one that made me cry, was where a seven year old child asked how he could get toys, the proceeded to enter a whipped cream eating contest. After he won, he chose a doll for his one year old sister, still in their mother's arms. The mom did not speak any English, so only when a Cantonese speaking volunteer went up to her and praised her son, did she admit with tears that he was lactose tolerant, and avoided all dairy products. They had taken a half hour bus ride to the carnival because they heard free backpacks were being given out. Their dad, a construction worker, also spoke no English, and the only way they learned was when their son came home in the evening and tried to teach them some simple words and broken phrases he picked up from school. But how proud they should be of their son, and of the way they had taught him.
The pastor spoke of religion, and how many people disliked religion, not because of the teachings themselves, but because of the examples they've seen of bad religion. Being an outsider, I wholeheartedly agree. While I still doubt his holiness, I've always thought of Jesus as a great man, who was wise and good, who taught lessons that all should follow. I remember those WWJD bracelets from high school, and I still think it's a great idea, and people really should live more like Jesus, whether they believe he's the son of God or not. Get out of your church pews and get off your yoga mats, stop introspecting and just go out and do something good for the community, for the world, or at the very least for those around you.
And that's something I fail at miserably myself. I spend weekends helping strangers that I would soon forget, and yet I don't know how to comfort those around me, or be patient enough to help those I love. Perhaps that is the most important lesson I was taught yesterday. Before you care for heaven, for far away villages, or for people on the streets, you should look around and ask those around you. Maybe they are the ones that need you most of all.
I used the word witness, as I considered myself an observer rather than a participant in all of this. I was touched by the sermons, the testimonies, I cried, sang and even prayed. All my feelings were genuine and actions sincere. I was slightly confused, until when we walked out of the door, and overheard my roommate chatting with a friend, and saying "I just hope this isn't some high that you just get over when you leave the room."
Then I got over the high.
Getting high, even on God, is exhausting. Now that I've had a good night's sleep, I can finally recount the experience so I can have something to remember it by. The morning started out with a long wait at the registration line then walking into a dark room with moody blue lights, fist pumping music, and a feed of all the exciting people posting about Fracis Chan and City Impact. As the countdown clock started and the chatter slowly subsided, a guy jumped on stage and started talking about the history of City Impact, and how wonderful and novel it was to have a pastor cancel service for an entire Sunday to participate. His speech was stand-up comedian like and brought laughs from the crowd, but also provoked thinking. As Christians spend Wednesday nights studying the Bible and making friends among themselves, Sunday mornings at church listening to sermons, who is actually out there in the battlegrounds of this messed up world of ours saving all the lost souls angry at God and humanity?
I pondered this question through the worship session, where a great band led the crowd in some beautiful singing. That's definitely one thing I actually miss from my church days, but I kept my mouth shut as I found it rather hypocritical for me to sing to a God I'm still doubting. Then Francis Chan came up and gave a sermon. I have to say, he was a great speaker, but sadly I don't really remember the content of his sermon :( Although I blame this on my own distracted mind, rather than the speech itself. I was very confused in this environment of fervent religious people, and felt quite out of place. So when we were asked to pray about the day, I was happy that my roommate took charge and prayed for us (with my input).
I felt much relieved as I left the building, and spent most of the day photographing kids at the carnival. The timid ones, the bold ones, the one tugging at her sister's skirt, and the one sitting up on dad's shoulder. They are growing up in a neighborhood where people drive by with their doors firmly locked and walk hurriedly through the streets averting eye contact. Their eyes are still full of warmth and excitement, trying their hardest just for the thrill of competition itself. The sports camp leader, Tony Stewart, was wonderful with kids. The drills weren't just drills, they each had a lesson, and I was glad (and somewhat surprised) to hear the kids recount the lessons they learned. Sadly, because I was in a frenzy running around taking pictures, the only thing that stuck for me was to live a purpose driven life. I don't know how much the kids will remember of the lessons after yesterday, but I do hope that they also remember this one lesson, and find a purpose in life that's more than just survival.
As I remember my own adolescence, growing up in a poor but motivated family, I'm again reminded of how much I had been given, and how grateful I should be. I never lacked encouragement from others to be something greater and do something worthwhile, even when I doubted myself. When I see the bright smiles on their faces, I'm not sure if these kids know the cards they've been dealt aren't the best in the deck, and how many will triumph through life's unfair competitions and cruel jokes. Some of them may one day end up on the streets of the Tenderloin, their eyes cold and defensive, showing disdain to the people walking by. I wonder how many of us, years from now, would walk by one of these kids and avert our eyes, because we had long forgotten we had held their hands and laughed with them, and now judged them only by the street corner they stood on.
After the carnival ended, I found the rest of the crew at the corner park, where people were given medical care, free clothing, haircuts, manicures and pedicures. I have the utmost admiration for those who chose to kneel and wash people's feet. I'm not a germaphobe, but I can't even see myself touching my own friends' feet, much less strangers' feet that have walked on grounds much dirtier than my apartment floor. I saw those who were in deep conversation, sharing stories with people they normally would not have had the courage to go up and talk to. I saw people who were "regulars", who knew what to expect and came only to get what they needed. I saw immigrants who did not know how to say "thank you" but said so with their eyes. For the most part I watched, and observed, because I did not have the courage to go up and say hi, for fear of rejection. I'm afraid that they would see through the facade of caring when in fact I was still afraid and did not love them the way Jesus loved them.
The night concluded with the sharing of stories. The one that made me cry, was where a seven year old child asked how he could get toys, the proceeded to enter a whipped cream eating contest. After he won, he chose a doll for his one year old sister, still in their mother's arms. The mom did not speak any English, so only when a Cantonese speaking volunteer went up to her and praised her son, did she admit with tears that he was lactose tolerant, and avoided all dairy products. They had taken a half hour bus ride to the carnival because they heard free backpacks were being given out. Their dad, a construction worker, also spoke no English, and the only way they learned was when their son came home in the evening and tried to teach them some simple words and broken phrases he picked up from school. But how proud they should be of their son, and of the way they had taught him.
The pastor spoke of religion, and how many people disliked religion, not because of the teachings themselves, but because of the examples they've seen of bad religion. Being an outsider, I wholeheartedly agree. While I still doubt his holiness, I've always thought of Jesus as a great man, who was wise and good, who taught lessons that all should follow. I remember those WWJD bracelets from high school, and I still think it's a great idea, and people really should live more like Jesus, whether they believe he's the son of God or not. Get out of your church pews and get off your yoga mats, stop introspecting and just go out and do something good for the community, for the world, or at the very least for those around you.
And that's something I fail at miserably myself. I spend weekends helping strangers that I would soon forget, and yet I don't know how to comfort those around me, or be patient enough to help those I love. Perhaps that is the most important lesson I was taught yesterday. Before you care for heaven, for far away villages, or for people on the streets, you should look around and ask those around you. Maybe they are the ones that need you most of all.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
To endless journeys
After a gruesome week of moving, the boy finally embarked on his new journey to the orient. It's a rather strange feeling, being so uncertain of our future yet more sure of us than I have ever been. The path wasn't easy and is unclear still. It's almost strange and unreasonable that we continue to stand together, after all the pain and hurt. Except it was really the pain and hurt that let us see who we are, and more than that, who we want (and don't want) to be.
So as we begin a new adventure to discover what we want to do, at least we know who we want to keep us company.
To endless journeys.
So as we begin a new adventure to discover what we want to do, at least we know who we want to keep us company.
To endless journeys.
Monday, July 2, 2012
We can't have it all
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-can-8217-t-have-it-all/9020/1/
I must say, The Atlantic has had some wonderful articles, or more accurately, essays. This one was being shared all around on FB a few days back, and it took me a while to read the whole thing. There was a sense of relief, that I was not the only one who felt this way. There was also a sense of doubt, that I was using this article as an excuse, for my lack of ambition, and/or achievement.
There was a time I thought of myself as ambitious and overachieving. Then I grew up. I met a lot more people, and found that most have achievements far greater than mine. At first I thought, man I need to catch up somehow. I would secretly find a competition, and try to measure up to them. Then I realized no matter how much I do, there are always going to be people who've done more, seen more, accomplished more.
It was a bit discouraging, of course. But I was also relieved. The thought of always having to work to catch up to someone else is daunting, and frankly not an appealing lifestyle. So this past year, I settled into a much simpler lifestyle -- of not trying too hard. There were some setbacks. A promotion I probably would have gotten had I worked as hard as before. A year without any new certifications and letters after my name. The feeling of inferiority when comparing myself to my peers.
Good thing I was happy. Well, happy in the sense of contentment. There were ups and downs, but when I think back on the year, I can't think of any moments I would want to take back.
So now it's time for another decision. To go to school, experience something unique, exciting and exotic at a very high price tag, or to stay here, find a stable career and start a family, a life with fewer uncertainties. Each has its own appeal, and at a different time and place the decision would be easy.
And for this I am grateful. The chance to choose, between two mysterious paths, knowing that many adventures await no matter what my choice is. She's absolutely right -- we can't have it all. Yet the fact that we do have a choice is already something to be thankful for.
I must say, The Atlantic has had some wonderful articles, or more accurately, essays. This one was being shared all around on FB a few days back, and it took me a while to read the whole thing. There was a sense of relief, that I was not the only one who felt this way. There was also a sense of doubt, that I was using this article as an excuse, for my lack of ambition, and/or achievement.
There was a time I thought of myself as ambitious and overachieving. Then I grew up. I met a lot more people, and found that most have achievements far greater than mine. At first I thought, man I need to catch up somehow. I would secretly find a competition, and try to measure up to them. Then I realized no matter how much I do, there are always going to be people who've done more, seen more, accomplished more.
It was a bit discouraging, of course. But I was also relieved. The thought of always having to work to catch up to someone else is daunting, and frankly not an appealing lifestyle. So this past year, I settled into a much simpler lifestyle -- of not trying too hard. There were some setbacks. A promotion I probably would have gotten had I worked as hard as before. A year without any new certifications and letters after my name. The feeling of inferiority when comparing myself to my peers.
Good thing I was happy. Well, happy in the sense of contentment. There were ups and downs, but when I think back on the year, I can't think of any moments I would want to take back.
So now it's time for another decision. To go to school, experience something unique, exciting and exotic at a very high price tag, or to stay here, find a stable career and start a family, a life with fewer uncertainties. Each has its own appeal, and at a different time and place the decision would be easy.
And for this I am grateful. The chance to choose, between two mysterious paths, knowing that many adventures await no matter what my choice is. She's absolutely right -- we can't have it all. Yet the fact that we do have a choice is already something to be thankful for.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Happiness
Read an old but wonderful essay today on happiness which made me think about a few things.
- My ability to concentrate on a single task of thinking (such as reading a 4 page essay) has been blown to bits!
- I have many introspective friends who think about deep stuffs :)
- Happiness is an ephemeral state. It's difficult to generalize what happiness is both at the individual level and at the total lifespan level.
- Happiness is not a science. Studying and even understanding other people's happiness does not mean you'll know how to find it yourself.
- If your life had more happy moments than not, but in your last moment, you were full of regrets, did you lead a happy life?
- Everyone has a movie worthy story.
- A quote to ponder on: "Positive emotions make us more vulnerable than negative ones. One reason is that they’re future-oriented. Fear and sadness have immediate payoffs—protecting us from attack or attracting resources at times of distress. Gratitude and joy, over time, will yield better health and deeper connections—but in the short term actually put us at risk. That’s because, while negative emotions tend to be insulating, positive emotions expose us to the common elements of rejection and heartbreak."
- I need to read more.
Monday, June 11, 2012
阴天
早上起来看看外头，并不像周末那样艳阳高照的样子。翻了翻没有牛仔裤，便还是穿了裙子和人字拖出门，等车的时候狠狠哆嗦了一阵子，还要装作“其实我不怕冷”。
话说我最近发现自己有了小肚腩，很是惶恐。其实我高中大学一直有些婴儿肥，瘦下来也不过是从日本回来以后的事。因为以前一直减肥无功，有些沮丧，回到家就放弃节制，努力享受父母的填鸭。谁知道反而变得骨瘦如柴，人见人惊叹的，以致那以后这许多年我都秉着“我是怪胎”的心态未曾亏待过自己的馋嘴。想想也是年近三十了，怪胎也坚持不下去这折腾，新陈代谢终于开始追不上我吃的脚步，不知何时吨了一圈肉在腰围上，肥肥软软的，怪不习惯的。所以我在念叨了一个月之后，终于还是开始重新运动。
周四出差回来，中午到家，反正无事，跑去健身房游泳。下午三点在游泳池的都是老爷爷老太太。我很不好意思的下水，扑腾了半个小时，就气喘吁吁的。这还是我喜欢的运动，若是叫我去跑步，怕是一刻钟不到就要喊停。第二天自己在家里做P90X，挑了最轻的力度，中途还是要休息好半天。周六跟朋友去爬山，四个小时下来，整个人都要散架。星期天早上起床，迈步都辛苦，决定给自己放假。跟室友在咖啡店看看人群，逛逛街，真是美好。
-----------------------------------------
如今写东西都是写一半就忘记。这几天阳光明媚，白天出去走一走，在附近的公园晒个太阳，一个周末就混混沌沌的过去了。晚上却有些麻烦，因为旧金山的旧房子都没有空调，开窗嫌吵，关窗又被热醒。但真是难得一见的夏天呀！要好好珍惜才对。
话说我最近发现自己有了小肚腩，很是惶恐。其实我高中大学一直有些婴儿肥，瘦下来也不过是从日本回来以后的事。因为以前一直减肥无功，有些沮丧，回到家就放弃节制，努力享受父母的填鸭。谁知道反而变得骨瘦如柴，人见人惊叹的，以致那以后这许多年我都秉着“我是怪胎”的心态未曾亏待过自己的馋嘴。想想也是年近三十了，怪胎也坚持不下去这折腾，新陈代谢终于开始追不上我吃的脚步，不知何时吨了一圈肉在腰围上，肥肥软软的，怪不习惯的。所以我在念叨了一个月之后，终于还是开始重新运动。
周四出差回来，中午到家，反正无事，跑去健身房游泳。下午三点在游泳池的都是老爷爷老太太。我很不好意思的下水，扑腾了半个小时，就气喘吁吁的。这还是我喜欢的运动，若是叫我去跑步，怕是一刻钟不到就要喊停。第二天自己在家里做P90X，挑了最轻的力度，中途还是要休息好半天。周六跟朋友去爬山，四个小时下来，整个人都要散架。星期天早上起床，迈步都辛苦，决定给自己放假。跟室友在咖啡店看看人群，逛逛街，真是美好。
-----------------------------------------
如今写东西都是写一半就忘记。这几天阳光明媚，白天出去走一走，在附近的公园晒个太阳，一个周末就混混沌沌的过去了。晚上却有些麻烦，因为旧金山的旧房子都没有空调，开窗嫌吵，关窗又被热醒。但真是难得一见的夏天呀！要好好珍惜才对。
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