On The Road

因為眾多同事都要看遊記，所以乾脆開了個新的博客，這裡還是藏起來的好。不過這一陣子，就可能會安靜些了 （雖然說我本來也就很懶惰的就是。。。）

在路上的jiajia

On The Road

Test Post from Expired Pineapple 【過期鳳梨】

Test Post from Expired Pineapple 【過期鳳梨】 http://www.imiss.me/net

To Heart

Commitment is what transforms a promise into reality. It is the words that speak boldly of your intentions. And the actions which speak louder than the words. It is making the time when there is none. Coming through time after time after time, year after year after year. Commitment is the stuff character is made of; the power to change the face of things. It is the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism. -- Abraham Lincoln

City Impact

It's been 3 or 4 years since I actually went to church service, and I had no plans of doing so in the near future. When I signed up for City Impact with my roommate's church, it was definitely for the volunteer aspect, and I didn't know I would also witness somewhat of a religious revival experience.

I used the word witness, as I considered myself an observer rather than a participant in all of this. I was touched by the sermons, the testimonies, I cried, sang and even prayed. All my feelings were genuine and actions sincere. I was slightly confused, until when we walked out of the door, and overheard my roommate chatting with a friend, and saying "I just hope this isn't some high that you just get over when you leave the room."

Then I got over the high.

Getting high, even on God, is exhausting. Now that I've had a good night's sleep, I can finally recount the experience so I can have something to remember it by. The morning started out with a long wait at the registration line then walking into a dark room with moody blue lights, fist pumping music, and a feed of all the exciting people posting about Fracis Chan and City Impact. As the countdown clock started and the chatter slowly subsided, a guy jumped on stage and started talking about the history of City Impact, and how wonderful and novel it was to have a pastor cancel service for an entire Sunday to participate. His speech was stand-up comedian like and brought laughs from the crowd, but also provoked thinking. As Christians spend Wednesday nights studying the Bible and making friends among themselves, Sunday mornings at church listening to sermons, who is actually out there in the battlegrounds of this messed up world of ours saving all the lost souls angry at God and humanity?

I pondered this question through the worship session, where a great band led the crowd in some beautiful singing. That's definitely one thing I actually miss from my church days, but I kept my mouth shut as I found it rather hypocritical for me to sing to a God I'm still doubting. Then Francis Chan came up and gave a sermon. I have to say, he was a great speaker, but sadly I don't really remember the content of his sermon :( Although I blame this on my own distracted mind, rather than the speech itself. I was very confused in this environment of fervent religious people, and felt quite out of place. So when we were asked to pray about the day, I was happy that my roommate took charge and prayed for us (with my input).

I felt much relieved as I left the building, and spent most of the day photographing kids at the carnival. The timid ones, the bold ones, the one tugging at her sister's skirt, and the one sitting up on dad's shoulder. They are growing up in a neighborhood where people drive by with their doors firmly locked and walk hurriedly through the streets averting eye contact. Their eyes are still full of warmth and excitement, trying their hardest just for the thrill of competition itself. The sports camp leader, Tony Stewart, was wonderful with kids. The drills weren't just drills, they each had a lesson, and I was glad (and somewhat surprised) to hear the kids recount the lessons they learned. Sadly, because I was in a frenzy running around taking pictures, the only thing that stuck for me was to live a purpose driven life. I don't know how much the kids will remember of the lessons after yesterday, but I do hope that they also remember this one lesson, and find a purpose in life that's more than just survival.

As I remember my own adolescence, growing up in a poor but motivated family, I'm again reminded of how much I had been given, and how grateful I should be. I never lacked encouragement from others to be something greater and do something worthwhile, even when I doubted myself. When I see the bright smiles on their faces, I'm not sure if these kids know the cards they've been dealt aren't the best in the deck, and how many will triumph through life's unfair competitions and cruel jokes. Some of them may one day end up on the streets of the Tenderloin, their eyes cold and defensive, showing disdain to the people walking by. I wonder how many of us, years from now, would walk by one of these kids and avert our eyes, because we had long forgotten we had held their hands and laughed with them, and now judged them only by the street corner they stood on.

After the carnival ended, I found the rest of the crew at the corner park, where people were given medical care, free clothing, haircuts, manicures and pedicures. I have the utmost admiration for those who chose to kneel and wash people's feet. I'm not a germaphobe, but I can't even see myself touching my own friends' feet, much less strangers' feet that have walked on grounds much dirtier than my apartment floor. I saw those who were in deep conversation, sharing stories with people they normally would not have had the courage to go up and talk to. I saw people who were "regulars", who knew what to expect and came only to get what they needed. I saw immigrants who did not know how to say "thank you" but said so with their eyes. For the most part I watched, and observed, because I did not have the courage to go up and say hi, for fear of rejection. I'm afraid that they would see through the facade of caring when in fact I was still afraid and did not love them the way Jesus loved them.

The night concluded with the sharing of stories. The one that made me cry, was where a seven year old child asked how he could get toys, the proceeded to enter a whipped cream eating contest. After he won, he chose a doll for his one year old sister, still in their mother's arms. The mom did not speak any English, so only when a Cantonese speaking volunteer went up to her and praised her son, did she admit with tears that he was lactose tolerant, and avoided all dairy products. They had taken a half hour bus ride to the carnival because they heard free backpacks were being given out. Their dad, a construction worker, also spoke no English, and the only way they learned was when their son came home in the evening and tried to teach them some simple words and broken phrases he picked up from school. But how proud they should be of their son, and of the way they had taught him.

The pastor spoke of religion, and how many people disliked religion, not because of the teachings themselves, but because of the examples they've seen of bad religion. Being an outsider, I wholeheartedly agree. While I still doubt his holiness, I've always thought of Jesus as a great man, who was wise and good, who taught lessons that all should follow. I remember those WWJD bracelets from high school, and I still think it's a great idea, and people really should live more like Jesus, whether they believe he's the son of God or not. Get out of your church pews and get off your yoga mats, stop introspecting and just go out and do something good for the community, for the world, or at the very least for those around you.

And that's something I fail at miserably myself. I spend weekends helping strangers that I would soon forget, and yet I don't know how to comfort those around me, or be patient enough to help those I love. Perhaps that is the most important lesson I was taught yesterday. Before you care for heaven, for far away villages, or for people on the streets, you should look around and ask those around you. Maybe they are the ones that need you most of all.

To endless journeys

After a gruesome week of moving, the boy finally embarked on his new journey to the orient. It's a rather strange feeling, being so uncertain of our future yet more sure of us than I have ever been. The path wasn't easy and is unclear still. It's almost strange and unreasonable that we continue to stand together, after all the pain and hurt. Except it was really the pain and hurt that let us see who we are, and more than that, who we want (and don't want) to be.

So as we begin a new adventure to discover what we want to do, at least we know who we want to keep us company.

To endless journeys.

We can't have it all

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-can-8217-t-have-it-all/9020/1/

I must say, The Atlantic has had some wonderful articles, or more accurately, essays. This one was being shared all around on FB a few days back, and it took me a while to read the whole thing. There was a sense of relief, that I was not the only one who felt this way. There was also a sense of doubt, that I was using this article as an excuse, for my lack of ambition, and/or achievement.

There was a time I thought of myself as ambitious and overachieving. Then I grew up. I met a lot more people, and found that most have achievements far greater than mine. At first I thought, man I need to catch up somehow. I would secretly find a competition, and try to measure up to them. Then I realized no matter how much I do, there are always going to be people who've done more, seen more, accomplished more.

It was a bit discouraging, of course. But I was also relieved. The thought of always having to work to catch up to someone else is daunting, and frankly not an appealing lifestyle. So this past year, I settled into a much simpler lifestyle -- of not trying too hard. There were some setbacks. A promotion I probably would have gotten had I worked as hard as before. A year without any new certifications and letters after my name. The feeling of inferiority when comparing myself to my peers.

Good thing I was happy. Well, happy in the sense of contentment. There were ups and downs, but when I think back on the year, I can't think of any moments I would want to take back.

So now it's time for another decision. To go to school, experience something unique, exciting and exotic at a very high price tag, or to stay here, find a stable career and start a family, a life with fewer uncertainties. Each has its own appeal, and at a different time and place the decision would be easy.


And for this I am grateful. The chance to choose, between two mysterious paths, knowing that many adventures await no matter what my choice is. She's absolutely right -- we can't have it all. Yet the fact that we do have a choice is already something to be thankful for.

Happiness

Read an old but wonderful essay today on happiness which made me think about a few things.

1. My ability to concentrate on a single task of thinking (such as reading a 4 page essay) has been blown to bits!
2. I have many introspective friends who think about deep stuffs :)
3. Happiness is an ephemeral state. It's difficult to generalize what happiness is both at the individual level and at the total lifespan level.
4. Happiness is not a science. Studying and even understanding other people's happiness does not mean you'll know how to find it yourself.
5. If your life had more happy moments than not, but in your last moment, you were full of regrets, did you lead a happy life?
6. Everyone has a movie worthy story.
7. A quote to ponder on: "Positive emotions make us more vulnerable than negative ones. One reason is that they’re future-oriented. Fear and sadness have immediate payoffs—protecting us from attack or attracting resources at times of distress. Gratitude and joy, over time, will yield better health and deeper connections—but in the short term actually put us at risk. That’s because, while negative emotions tend to be insulating, positive emotions expose us to the common elements of rejection and heartbreak."
8. I need to read more.

阴天

早上起来看看外头，并不像周末那样艳阳高照的样子。翻了翻没有牛仔裤，便还是穿了裙子和人字拖出门，等车的时候狠狠哆嗦了一阵子，还要装作“其实我不怕冷”。

话说我最近发现自己有了小肚腩，很是惶恐。其实我高中大学一直有些婴儿肥，瘦下来也不过是从日本回来以后的事。因为以前一直减肥无功，有些沮丧，回到家就放弃节制，努力享受父母的填鸭。谁知道反而变得骨瘦如柴，人见人惊叹的，以致那以后这许多年我都秉着“我是怪胎”的心态未曾亏待过自己的馋嘴。想想也是年近三十了，怪胎也坚持不下去这折腾，新陈代谢终于开始追不上我吃的脚步，不知何时吨了一圈肉在腰围上，肥肥软软的，怪不习惯的。所以我在念叨了一个月之后，终于还是开始重新运动。

周四出差回来，中午到家，反正无事，跑去健身房游泳。下午三点在游泳池的都是老爷爷老太太。我很不好意思的下水，扑腾了半个小时，就气喘吁吁的。这还是我喜欢的运动，若是叫我去跑步，怕是一刻钟不到就要喊停。第二天自己在家里做P90X，挑了最轻的力度，中途还是要休息好半天。周六跟朋友去爬山，四个小时下来，整个人都要散架。星期天早上起床，迈步都辛苦，决定给自己放假。跟室友在咖啡店看看人群，逛逛街，真是美好。

-----------------------------------------

如今写东西都是写一半就忘记。这几天阳光明媚，白天出去走一走，在附近的公园晒个太阳，一个周末就混混沌沌的过去了。晚上却有些麻烦，因为旧金山的旧房子都没有空调，开窗嫌吵，关窗又被热醒。但真是难得一见的夏天呀！要好好珍惜才对。

兒童節快樂

自從我離開中國，就沒有慶祝過兒童節。不知道是不是因為美國的孩子已經夠幸福，並不需要再多一個屬於他們的節日。而我自從離開，就迅速地長大懂事。兒童節的記憶，就留在某一年戴著蝴蝶結抹著鮮豔唇彩在舞台上旋轉的瞬間。

大半個禮拜在紐澤西州的小鎮上。並沒有德州那樣熱，但是因為不曾預料，更是心煩些。工作結束得早，有半個下午的時間要打發，卻不願出門，呆在舒適的房間裡。同事在搬新家的時候買了一張這家連鎖酒店的大床，牌子很是狂傲，叫做似天堂。他說，這樣不管是出差還是回家，至少床都是一樣舒適。

說實話，這張床的確是比我那剛搬到加州時匆忙購下的便宜貨舒適多了。久不曾出差，居然還有些想念時時有人服務的日子。習慣了總有人在身邊的熱鬧，更是享受這偶爾的清淨。

但這已經不再是我嚮往的生活方式。一年下來，已經習慣了朝九晚五的工作，週末在家研究新菜譜，煮給賞臉的朋友們。還是期待旅行。但是世界那麼大，一輩子也看不完。人不可能一直在路上，總是要回家的。25歲那年憧憬的幸福，似乎唾手可得，我卻越來越害怕。

25歲的時候我還很貪心。想要的雙手雙腳加起來都不夠數。而如今我覺得很多東西都不重要，而重要的那幾樣都不是我可以掌握的。我只是學會了如何去面對失去，輕易不給人看出煩惱罷了。

或許會有人覺得我的生活已經夠一帆風順，但其實我卻常常覺得辛苦。因為不曾經歷過更加辛苦，所以即使懂得自己是幸運的，還是會感嘆，這一路走過來，偶爾精彩，更多平凡，已經有些累了。

那麼接下來，可以用一些精彩，換更多平凡的安穩嗎？

無題

在紐澤西州的小鎮上。並沒有德州那樣熱，但是因為不曾預料，更是心煩些。工作結束得早，有半個下午的時間要打發，卻不願出門，呆在舒適的房間裡。同事在搬新家的時候買了一張這家連鎖酒店的大床，牌子很是狂傲，叫做似天堂。他說，這樣不管是出差還是回家，至少床都是一樣舒適。

說實話，這張床的確是比我那剛搬到加州時匆忙購下的便宜貨舒適多了。久不曾出差，居然還有些想念時時有人服務的日子。習慣了總有人在身邊的熱鬧，更是享受這偶爾的清淨。

但這已經不再是我嚮往的生活方式。

還是期待旅行。世界真大，一輩子也看不完。但人不可能一直在路上，總是要回家的。

起點

我常常告訴別人我很懶，他們都不相信。可是我人生大部分的挫折都源自於我的懶惰。為了彌補這些挫折，我只能後知後覺的努力。

第二次忘記為我的網址續約。從expired pineapple，到i miss me，又回到expired pineapple。其實生命本來就有許多起點，也有許多終點，不過是看你的視點罷了。

那麼也好，把這裡當作又一個新的起點。

遺忘的碎片

這一篇寫在電腦裡，因為那個週末沒上網，來不及貼。也幸虧如此，尚未遺失。

--------------------------------------------------------

到家了。坐在床上讀書，聽得到對面小學孩子們的笑鬧聲，偶爾還有幾隻鳥兒唱上幾句。已是初夏，一出門就滲出一層細汗來，還好有些微風，拂過就不見了。時不時還吹動後院裡幾隻風鈴，叮叮咚咚，很有夏天的感覺。昨夜似是下了些雨，悶悶的，卻是自小習慣的氣候，竟是十分懷念。

上午爸媽都在家，一家人和和睦睦吃了早飯，七聊八扯，又去後院看了看他們新種的花草時蔬。中午仍是我愛吃的菜，喝了滿滿三碗湯。每次回來，都是如此，眷戀的不是那些小菜，而是那份父母慈愛。家是越有家的樣子，似乎什麼都沒有變過，但其實什麼都不一樣了。三公主老了，已經是貴婦的樣子，慵慵懶懶的。只是偶爾聽到小貓小狗吵鬧，身段倒也還是矯健。

下午出門，買了遲到的賀禮去看孕中的好友。她這幾年也是多番波折，父親重病，工作煩心，第一次懷孕也不順利。只是嫁得好，丈夫百般體貼，便辭了工作一心一意的照顧家人，又做起自己的網絡事業。半年不見，她心寬了不少，寶寶就要出生，自己的公司也做得風風火火，再不用受人的氣。只是父親還是沒撐到當祖父，很是遺憾。我跟她姐弟二人都親近，也都常見到她們父母。還記得上次見到他，身體雖弱，精神卻很好，還送我佛經小冊子，對自己的生死倒是看得豁達了。想我當年與他們初識，常羨慕她家庭富裕，戀情和滿，怎想到後來如此坎坷。到頭來，最要緊還是身體健康，工作錢財愛情，都不過是奢侈。

------------------------------------------------------- 我是豬頭的分割線

那天晚上去吃小龍蝦。排了半天隊，吃個飽滿，也不過八點多。又跑去喝奶茶，坐在外頭突然起了暴風，被沙子擾的睜不開眼，早早的回了家，更是沒了去夜店的興致。第二天一早在手機上看FB，儼然看到婚禮的照片，驚出一身冷汗。才曉得原來特意回家參加的婚禮，硬生生被我記錯了日子。那一刻的心情----OrZ真是太确切的描述了。

人生有些片段是错过就再也回不来的。而我一而再的错过，却还是学不会改变。